prayer pt. II

Lord,

I come before you today to ask a rather rhetorical question: Is this a test? See, the way I had agreed to it, my Friend, is I'd be on the receiving end of your guidance, but I'm having trouble interpreting whether the circumstances you are sending me today are simply a validation of my will to love, or if you're just allowing the scales of justice to tip against me because I've slighted you.

I know, I know, it's not so good to curse your name and I'm not saying that I am. It's just that, well, you're supposed to be our shepherd, right? And I guess that makes me the sheep, but I've kind of been a black sheep my whole life. Sheep are supposed to just flock and follow their master, chew on grass and generally be really stupid and get chased by harmless puppies or pigs named Babe. I guess I make a poor sheep because I'm the questioning kind of sheep, the one that opens his mouth and challenges and bleets and wanders his own direction half the time so that Lassie has to go out and fetch me.

What I'm saying is that I'm really, really poor at following direction, even if you think it's obvious direction. What I'm saying, Lord - and I'm going out on a limb here and maybe hoping that you have a suggestion box where I can put my two cents in - is that I'd love for you to make it a little bit clearer as to which direction I should be going. I know you have the almighty blueprint for my life hidden away in your desk drawer somewhere, and I understand that you can't make things easy for me because the journey is the battle sometimes, but it'd just make me feel a little better to have a nod in the right direction. Like something as simple as acceptance from the right person will do; it's all I need to keep going.

I feel lost, a drifter with his shopping cart not going shopping, an albatross way out at sea because he think he's Jonathan Livingston Seagull. I probably sound very bitter, and I know you can understand why I might be that way, but I just want to clarify it's because I'm confused and frustrated, and not because I am angry with you in any way.

I'm sorry you keep throwing me these chances and I'm really bad at interpreting them. I feel like you're trying to show me things I don't get, and I don't get them, and I'm not asking you to to make me cheat at life like this



because I can understand why it's too simple just to give me all the answers, but please please please, I'm begging you, just give me a sign. Blow the wind in the direction I should go. Make a cloud into the shape of an arrow that points me in the right place.

In your name I pray.

PS. I know I'm not supposed to demand anything from you, because you give me everything. I'm sorry.