moving day

It's been a blast. I'm moving over to Robot Unicorn Buddies, an initiative I've started with Jia.

Still the same neurogeek. Different URL.



In lieu of my pediatrics exam, I oft wonder what's the point of pretending to be interested in something you don't care anything about. Well in this case it's so I can actually pass this program, but in generalizing to reality, pediatrics will have no significance on what I intend to do later on in life (because it's boring and kids are evil except my kids who will be the personification of awesome at the same time as being little shits).

With monumental changes in my life such as living under the roof of my fiancee's house and slipping an engagement ring on her ring finger, I think of the future. I think of my future child and how he or she will rebel as children often do, opting to go for the path of least resistance instead of the road less traveled. He will want to be a professional gamer and be attached to XBox Live playing COD all day, and she will want to forgo her education in favor of the mall and all the material things she cannot afford on her part-time job at Cinnezeo. Like all parents, I will hound them and nag and scold, and they will hate me and call me by names more explicit than tyrant.

They will, eventually, find something that they are passionate about, and at that point I will let them go. I have begun to realize (in all my numerous, vast years of accrued sagacity) that when you truly love something with all your heart, it's so much easier to pursue it. This is no novel concept, but it doesn't mean that we don't have to emphasize it - it is true and it is important. For me it's like studying peds or studying neuro. For the latter I will spontaneously read the textbook like it's the latest Steig Larsson novel, for the former I dread including the course pack in my backpack. The point is that I think one of the great meanings of life is finding the thing that truly keeps you going day in and day out. It's finding out what is your passion, being inspired by it and continuously being inspired by it in your interactions with it.

I most recently witnessed this phenomenon in a lecture by a speech and language pathologist that came to discuss communication barriers with the aging population. I have never been so enthralled by a guest speaker - you could tell immediately that she was absolutely blown away by the work she does on a daily basis. She would go off on tangents from class material simply due to the fact that there were so many interesting things to talk about that you just HAD to venture off topic and talk about how cool this tangential concept was. She would use words like circumlocution and presbycusis and engram all in the same sentence as if they were old friends calling her out to play. The material she lectured about fascinated her enormously and in return, fascinated us.

I have never seen such life, energy, vitality for something and it changed something in me to go and attack what I want in life because that's the best way to be so in love with what that something is. For me, it will be seeking out all things neuro and embracing it in the same manner; I want to be inspired so that I can inspire others to be inspired and to do the same.

You know, hopefully my kids will see this and will follow my example. Here's to hoping, or else I'm going to have to pick up an XBox controller or my wallet to dole out cash for the things that they love. But honestly, whatever, so long as they truly love it.



ya see i hood a lot, and ya i nerd some
hood's where the heart is, nerd's where the word's from
don't represent either, because i merged them

Check 2:09 - tattoo I want. Brains and light bulbs.



I am rotting.


In a society that cradles emos and faux-depressives as a misunderstood subculture, I toe the line between what makes them them and what makes me me. I have long struggled with the concept of identity (fuck you Erikson) and have been unable to maintain a discernible persona. I float between what I would like to be amongst different circles of peers, only to find that nothing I act out is true to what I am. I am a confused chameleon.

I long to say, "No one understands me," or something equally dark and cantankerous, but the underlying truth is that even I don't understand myself. I strive to figure out how to socially interact and even feel like I hit it some days, only to find the next day I shrink away and my pursuits hit the edge of bathos. No man is an island except sometimes this man. The bell tolls for me.

The question emergent from the study of my favorite topic, meta-consciousness, is simple: "Who am I?"

I ask myself this every day.



I got down to class today about five minutes late and sat down in the back at the nearest empty seat. We have a class of 83 so everyone knows who everyone is, so needless to say it was a little weird seeing a face I didn't recognize. I thought for a second I might have walked into 'Introduction to Law' by accident like I did last week, but when I pulled on my first swig of coffee and things started to fall into place, indeed we were talking neuro.

I didn't think much of it as I struggled to understand descending inputs and how they regulate spinal reflexes. I have this block in my brain somehow that leaves me unable to easily process the motor system - perhaps due to years of trying to understand input and perception has lead me to forget that we do take our internal representation and access the world with it. It slips my mind that sometimes it's not so much about thinking but that there's also action on the end of it.

Dr. Yang reaches the midpoint of her lecture and tells us to take our break. The girls are sitting on the far end of the room and Mankeen is a few rows front, so I'm left where I am playing with my iPhone. I turn to the side and my eye catches the paper of the student next to me, the stranger who has invaded our class. She is reading a review on representation of music in the brain so naturally neurogeek in me kicks in and I ask her if this is her thesis because I wrote a paper on auditory-motor integration in musicians for my Current Issues in Cognitive Neuroscience class in my last year of undergrad.

She begins to talk about how she is under the tutelage of Dr. Westbury, a noted language researcher, and my brain immediately shuts off because a) I'm not interested in that field and b) she's really pretentious. I find it amazing because here she is in a class full of PTs with the uncensored belief that she is better than all of us. "I took this course to get an easy A+; I would be extremely upset if I got under 90" comes out of her mouth, and I have officially tuned her out.

My fellow neurogeek, I am one of you, yet you see me as one of them. When I am with them, they see me as one of you. So here I lie again, on the lam, neither neurogeek nor PT, but straddling the line between both worlds.

Nothing is black and white. Or is it nothing is black or white?


good morning, look at the valedictorian
scared of the future while i hop in the delorean
scared to face the world - complacent career student
some people graduate but we still stupid


beyond the walls of intelligence life is defined


see the most coveted thing is a high self-esteem
and a low tolerance for them tellin me how to lean
the most important parts are the ones that are unseen
the wings don't make you fly and the crown don't make you king


watch they mugs drop when they see my verb is able


i never cyclops, it's never i alone


i'm suited up in street clothes
hand me my nine and i'll defeat foes


it takes a lot to get up there and embarrass yourself
but you shouldn't put down you should merit yourself