britney spears

This has nothing to do with Britney, except that she just happened to make a song titled Lucky. Random, I know, but that's how I've been feeling today. I've been pretty dejected this last few days, mostly because I've attempting to attain my goal that I hammered out at cell group last week. For those who weren't present, it goes something like this:

We were sitting around in a circle at cell group discussing the topic that Jia brought up, which was What should Christians do? It goes a little deeper than that, but basically it asks what Christians are called to do and what is their scope of practice, for lack of a better term. We somehow got into asking each other what we thought God was calling us to do, and Jia got excited and recorded them all down. I figure we're going to do a one-year post-op, followed by a five-year post-op and so on and so forth just to see where we're at with following the dreams God wants for us, so I'll share with you what I've been getting up to:

My goal according to how Jia worded it: Joey Mo: To feel and display genuine love to my friends, the people around me, and totally strangers. I know I don't display the perfect love to my friends, in fact I honestly don't really make an effort to care about them sometimes. I don't really realize this because I guess I'm a little self-absorbed in what I'm doing at the time, whether it be studying or if I have something else that I feel is more important for me to do. I ignore people's birthday parties, show up late to occasions I say I'm going to or don't even bother to show up at all. I ditch friends in social events, or when I get there I don't even say hello to them at all, but hone in on the food table, grab a bite to eat, then leave. I'm often cruel to my family, and am not there for them when they need me. I also walk by the same homeless Asian guy in front of Tim Horton's every day and when he asks me for change I think Change is good and That's a good thing to ask for, Obama would like that, but then I tell him "I don't give change" then go inside and get my extra-large double double like the gluttonous, self-centered, un-sharing beast I know I am.

I've been thinking a lot about how I'm acting towards friends, family, and people in general, and have been attempting to cognitively re-structure my thought process in order to actively recognize what I'm doing and change it. I'm trying to love, but it isn't easy, because I am often compelled to go elsewhere and do other things. It's difficult to love everyone without neglecting yourself.

It seems like I'm being very hard on myself, and I am. So why do I feel so lucky?

I think it's because God has given me wonderful support systems with which to share this learning experience. I was most touched by this one moment after church last Sunday, where Simon started talking to me. He asked me, "Joey, do you have a Bible?" and when I said, "No," he didn't hesitate to offer the one in his hand - his own personal Book of God where he's written all his marginalia and poured his hours and love into - saying, "Here, have mine." This is his gold, the word of God in purest form, and he was willing, so willing to relinquish it in a heartbeat in order to reach someone who didn't deserve it. I said thank you, but one of my personal goals is to find a Bible I really enjoy myself, to just peruse the Bible Store and go through it slowly to find the book for me. But it was this principle, this love for your neighbor that is so far-reaching and touching, even in the most seemingly mundane of events ("dude, it's just a book...") that really hit home.

I feel so lucky that God has introduced Jason and Steve into my life so that I can intersect groups of friends whom I have nothing in common with. These are people well versed in God's walk, and so will be invaluable resources in learning about God and what it means to be a Christian - which I feel I still know nothing about but am learning more about if that makes any sense. Through some strange statistical anomaly that I can attribute only to divine intervention, God's put like the only two people on this continent who actually like talking about neuro on a day-to-day basis into my life so that I can discuss religion, fulfill my goals of meeting and holding down groups of people with which I can share God's love, and also talk about Searle and the suprachiasmatic nucleus of the hypothalamus. I've talked about consciousness with Jason at length, and just yesterday discussed with Steve about Crick's (of DNA's famous Watson & Crick) deathbed work on the claustrum and Gestalt-like integration in the sensorium. We discuss Ramachandran and Descartes, Beauregard and Sacks.

Of course, my friend Jia who is often my anchor in the tumultuous waves of my every day reflection, is also very good for stability. I have fought long and hard with figuring out in which direction my moral compass faces, and have often had a heated argument with my beautiful professional debater Magdalene over black and white and the gray that is supposedly between them that I have yet to see. I talk law with Law, pour over the Bible, dissect the Pharisees, the ways of the lawful man, how evil lawyers actually are despite following the law, and evil people in general.

Friends help me clarify where I stand; help me thin(k) and reflect. You give so much of God's love that I can't help but want to give God's love back to you. So with your help, let us try to make some small miracles happen with my fingertips and the relationships around me - friends you are my witnesses and God you are my hands.

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