unease

I left church today feeling a sense of disappointment and unease. I was walking with Mag to her White Tiger and I mentioned that I didn't really connect with the sermon today. I said that I didn't feel inspired like last week, and I didn't really think that it went any deeper than the words Pastor Ling said.

We were discussing in the car what we thought the most important messages were, and I highlighted:

1. Part of loving God is loving the people around you. You need to love thy neighbor to love God just as you need to love God to love thy neighbor.
2. The concept of faithfulness, in that when you say you will do something, you should follow through. Empty promises do not improve the relationships around you, and people will distance themselves when they know you do not follow through.

We agreed on this and admitted our follies, our sins. As we were driving, I noticed the crack in Mags' windshield only in the way that when you refocus your sight, you notice those things closer to you (I would otherwise be staring at other cars through the windshield). In much the same way a stone hit her windshield to crack it, I was struck by an idea as if I was using my head to break someone's fist.

The reason I didn't feel good about today's sermon was because I have never been so entirely humiliated in my life. I definitely do not consider the relationships around me to be valuable, let alone sacred. I value Mag and her puppies, but friends have ne'er been an identifiable priority in my life. I have friends, but I'm the type to just leave their birthday party if I get bored because I don't feel responsibility, obligation to friendships. Pastor Ling mentioned that all relationships are integral to truly love, and that we should distribute our love to all friends and let them know they are loved and valued.

I am also the type to not follow through with my word. I forget constantly the appointments and obligations I have with other people, something that infuriates Mag and incenses my parents. Most recently, I have forgotten to respond to Mags' text messages, prompting her to have to drive out to pick me up when she was just about to take a nap (OBVIOUSLY she deserved to be grumpy!). I also have forgotten to wash the floor at home, something my parents have been telling me to do for like two weeks. Now that I think about it, my dad told me to vacuum two days ago too, so there's another thing I haven't followed through on.

So you see, of course I didn't enjoy the sermon today, because it pointed out the traits I never noticed about myself but make me feel insignificant and incredibly guilty when they are brought to light.

God's keeping me honest - what an annoying but good old friend. Gosh I have a lot of work to do.