confusion

Today I found myself watching an arm angioplasty case. One of the arteries (I'm going to guess brachial because it was really big and that's actually like one of only two arm arteries I actually know) was really stenosed so the plasty was routine. I don't usually sit in on body angiography cases because I don't understand them, but today I forced myself to sit there and watch the whole thing through.

We become very accustomed to the familiar so that when we are suddenly faced with something novel we panic, we feel uneasy, we feel uncomfortable. Through my years of undergrad, I've largely been exposed to looking at everything from the neck up; a product of neuro. I know what orientation the head is in when I look at a radiological scan, I know where things are in relation to each other and I can name the vessels as they appear. I'm not really bragging because this is all I studied in University. Just as someone in Chemistry probably knows the anatomy and physiology of the elements, this is only basic knowledge if you have been immersed long enough.

The moment I look at an arm under X-ray, I get disoriented. The quality is different, the picture is grainier, and there's all these bones that get in the way. I can't tell radius from ulna so I have no idea what position the hand is in, and when Sean came over and asked me what was up I wasn't really sure how to answer. It just let me know how much I don't know, how there are so many things beyond my scope of interest that I haven't the faintest clue about. It made me feel very stupid to be frank.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to mention it, but Will and I had a talk about Heaven and Hell yesterday and about what it means to be Christian. In the manner in which I always preach, I gave him my two cents about what I thought it means for a Christian to be able to attain eternal rewards posthumously and what it means for a non-Christian to live by similar principles and travel in the opposite direction. I also made some judgments about Christians that I was thinking about today and want to rescind. In reflecting, I realized how little I know about religion no matter how hard I am trying to learn it and strengthen my relationship with God.

Lastly, I've been accosted with an interesting proposition from the University of Alberta. I just recently received an acceptance letter for Physiotherapy at the U of A, which I'm going to take because it makes a lot of sense. I'm just deeply upset almost that things have taken a drastic 180 turn. The night before I got the call, my mum was yelling at me to lock down a place before I went to Halifax because finding a place in September that's close to campus is extremely difficult. The next day, after hearing the news, my mum's trying to convince me to return the laptop we bought since I wouldn't have a computer there. The last few days have felt really foreign to me, almost like my world is wrapped in a few layers of saran wrap - I can see what my life is supposed to be like but it doesn't feel accessible. I feel as if the key to independence was dangled in front of me and pulled away just at the last possible second in a similar manner to Lucy and Charlie Brown. I'm really glad I'm staying because I have Mag and I have friends and Shelby and Blacky and a place to stay that doesn't charge me rent, but at the same time I'm suddenly faced with the brutal realization that I am not getting away.

When my parents left for Asia I was extremely content. I bought the groceries I wanted, cooked it in my own time without anyone rushing me or badgering me with what I was doing, and I was able to eat and read in solitude. I had ten books going at a time all strewn around the kitchen counter. I felt master and chief of my own domain, making to do lists that would actually get done and being in charge of my own well being because nobody else was there to fall back on. I had no excuses and the responsibility rested upon myself; my autonomy was paramount.

After yesterday, I have no more testicles for they belong to those around me. I am no longer a voyager of the world but a child cooped in a playpen. I'm sure I'm looking at it in a largely depressed light just because I'm not going on an extended vacation anymore. I'm sure I'll get over it, but for now this shit kinda sucks.