oh

Posting is catharsis, but thought is the ultimate sleuth as to the nature of our circumstances. One of my jobs at work is to stand there and fold five bags of towels for each room, so I get a chance to stand there for about 10 minutes each day doing nothing but thinking. I'm usually in the hallway by myself doing this while other people run amok around me, so it's really my alone time.

At work you have to try to be pretty energetic, mostly because the day is monotonous and long punctuated by spurts of activity when a room finally opens up and you can stock/clean it. Since I don't get a lot of sleep each night, I have largely relied on at least two large coffees in the morning and lots of positive thinking.

This morning, my positive outlook crumbled, and I ended up folding towels feeling quite sorry for myself. In my emo state, a lot of thoughts were running through my head. I don't consider myself to be even remotely suicidal nor anywhere near delusional, but my flow of consciousness went from "I fucking hate my job" to "This is so demeaning" to "I want to kill myself" - metaphorically of course, kind of like how people say, "I'd rather put a gun to my head than do -------."

I started thinking about recent events: My $50 parking ticket and my $110 speeding ticket, my interview with Manitoba PA (yes I got an interview but I'm pretty certain I'm going to turn it down, wish they let me know sooner), the fact that I'm moving a million miles away to Halifax and leaving my beloved behind, the concept that I will never be financially secure and Mag will probably be the breadwinner in this relationship. With heavy heart, a lone thought floated like a stratus cloud overtop of my turmoil, and it said in bold faced font on a white background like the fortune from a fortune cookie: YOU ARE DEPRESSED. (And then back: LOTTO NUMBERS: 3 8 10 13 33 38 44

So there. I am really emotionally unstable right now because of contradictory events in my life. Too much happy and too much sad = anxiety.