anc(h)o(u)rage

I have this thing that I do where I sometimes sit on the bus or in the car (it's usually when I'm in a vehicle, it facilitates this process I think) and I think about what is right and what is wrong. I think about utility, which means what is good feels good and seems good and what is bad feels bad and seems bad. Then I think about deontology, which means that there's a rule that, if violated, means you've done bad, and if not violated, you've done good. I sit there and wonder sometimes how something so pleasurable like eating five gazillion Kit Kat Chunkys can be so right to a utilitarian, yet so wrong to a deontologist. At the same time, I remember reading about a kid who needed to eat like a gazillion calories a day because he was born three months premature, and so I suppose in a utility sense eating five gazillion Kit Kat Chunkys could be very wrong, and could be considered either wrong or right to a deontologist (gluttony vs. thou shalt not kill?).

I was on the bus today (see!) and reading The Shack, and I thought about utilitarianism vs. deontology. There's this part where Sarayu tells the protaganist that by deciding what is right is judging by your standards and not by God's. I remember having a conversation with Pastor Damien recently, who had this talk with someone he knew who said: "How can God judge what is wrong or right? I should be able to judge." Pastor Damien then responded with, "Well, I'm going to take this gun and put it to your head and shoot you," to which the person frantically replied, "No! That's wrong!" Pastor Damien explained that if people are able to decide for themselves what is wrong and what is right, then he should be given the right to decide if killing the guy was right or wrong.

So who judges?

I suppose God judges.

See, I have a problem with that. Before you attack me, let me just backtrack and say that I feel like God is just a rule. I am not ready to accept the terms of his limitations yet, and I don't feel like my relationship with him is strong enough for him to break the bonds that surround my heart. I feel a strong attachment to those things I like and feel are good things - I feel that I am a good person by nature and so I won't overstep those boundaries anyways, but I'm sure in God's eyes I am no perfect individual and am probably going to Hell. At the same time, I also understand the need for rules, because without rules any Hitler or Stalin can go traipsing about thinking they're right. Definitions need to be made to clarify what is right and what is wrong.

So here is where I stand. I believe in God, but I don't give myself to him entirely. I don't believe in utility. I do, however, believe that a deontological viewpoint can be the only way I can perceive the world and live by it, but unfortunately this view does not include Christianity within its set. I do find Emmanuel Kant's words very attractive in that I think I could live with a categorical imperative, which is that you make a rule and ask if it could be applied to all of humanity, and if it can be done so without violating something very ethical, then it is a good rule.

I can live with being a Kantian, but I don't think all Kantians are going to Heaven. While I still know that God has a chance and that I am learning to embrace God slowly, I know that this Kantian isn't going to Heaven anytime (soon).