why i hate the past

Identity. Erikson explored the concept of identity in his famous Stages of Development Theory, something which I know very little but don't care all that much about (Sorry Ellis, I really do hate developmental psychology - I'm surprised we even get along =D). We typically reach the identity vs. role confusion stage in our adolescence, and that phase in life consist of us trying on new cloths of personality in order to find the best fit for who we feel we are.

I have always prided myself for being pretty strong on a self-esteem level. I like to try to keep myself happy, so I try not to focus on the critical things people say. This stubbornness (possibly stupidity) is a characteristic of the Mo family lineage - you can often catch my dad saying, "So? I don't care what they think." While I do respect my self-image and make an effort to actually wear clothes and shower at least once a day (I will do this at the very least for society), frankly I'd just love to walk around naked all the time and never visit the dentist at all.

I bring this up because while this is the case now, this was not really a trait of mine years ago. This is why I hate the past, because during my junior high and high school years, I experienced the most intense identity crisis. This is also why I hate seeing people that I have known from those days, because it is embarrassing to me what nature they have seen of me back in the day. They have a preconceived notion of the kind of person I was back then and not the person I am today. It tends to be a little unsettling, and while the phrase is cliché, I do feel horribly misunderstood.

So if I've sat next to you in History class all year in like 2002, but walk straight past you on the bus and sit in the back as if you never existed, it's because I'm ashamed to talk to you and have you say, "So do you still try to burn your hands with candles?" or "You still making websites with flower layouts?" or "You still doing the stardust glow dance?" You hold a slice of my identity that never became my current one, and it's unnerving to have those traits associated with me. An identity is a fingerprint of oneself, and having someone else force a characteristic upon you and say, "This is what you were, I saw it with my own eyes, I don't care if you've changed" creates conflict with who you actually are today.

I suppose every time I meet someone that I knew in my tumultuous junior high/high school/first year of university era, I have a bit of an identity conflict. It is also why I delight in going to new places or starting afresh, because it gives people a chance to learn the identity I have finally settled upon without being tainted with how I acted in the past. I'm actually really excited to be starting a new school year with a mostly new cohort, and plan to show them who I am so that I am never embarrassed to sit with them on the bus.