just be yourself

I have this issue with the self, which I think is the hardest thing to learn about. As you may well have figured out, I love metatheory (theory of oneself). Why is it so difficult for teenagers to be different from the cookie cutter mold? Why is that they all seem to follow the same trends, fixate on a certain person they idolize, and then carbon copy that look/behavior/identity? Adolescence is the time to emblazon your own identity upon yourself, but before you can do that, you need an identity first to know what it feels like, and what it means to be something you don't quite agree with. The best way to learn what you are is by knowing what you are not. (I never thought Vicky Cristina Barcelona would come in useful.)

One of the toughest things in life to do is carve your own identity, so that when people think about you, they only see you. Too many times I think of someone, only to have them remind me of someone else I know because they're so similar. Oscar Wilde once said, "Be yourself; everyone else is already taken." Yet how difficult is it to stand your ground, even when everyone is psychologically influencing your actions? We are all inclined to fit in; it's natural, even evolutionary per se. We feel cohesion, magnetism, gravity to those in our group. Swarm dynamics.

The way I see it, you are supposed to feel dirty, outcast, abandoned when nobody agrees with you. I remember reading about normative reletavists in philosophy, and how they are philosophy's deranged. Philosophers argue that life is about taking a stand and not fitting in, and when people disagree, you show them why your view is better. It's a bit intrusive and belligerent if you ask me, but oftentimes we forget that sometimes it is better to speak up and show your side than to agree with the masses.

I have this rather unflattering characteristic of only seeing things in black and white. Something is always either/or, and rarely is it in between, unless it is my brain which is half man half awesome. When I'm around certain people, I dumb down certain characteristics of myself that I feel don't fit into the atmosphere because of this. I'd love to be really punny and dense around Mag, but I'm pretty certain she wouldn't appreciate it as much as the guys would. Likewise, if I spoke to my family with the soft voice I use to speak to Mag, I'm pretty sure they would think I was gay and possibly incestuous. That kind of thing. I am either punny/smart, gay/not gay. You cater to your audience, but then again sometimes you shouldn't, so that they get the fullest sense of who you are. Yesterday I gave not fitting in a try:

We were at dinner last night and there was a moment of silence where everyone in the group is scrambling for a topic of interest. I had this brilliant topic itching to be blurted out, the way you always want to talk about what you did on the weekend when you did something awesome like skydiving in Cameroon, but are having trouble finding a suitable point where you can interject without sounding like you're coming from left field. I remembered my audience, and most of the people around me are the baller type that enjoy the good life. I decided I didn't really care, because I really wanted to share a part of me, so I started describing this lunch I made which was amazingly epic but equally as disgusting. Pictorally, this is what The Chef's Speghattini looks like:



Put spaghettini at the bottom of a bowl, and cover it with a layer of shredded cheese (Monterey Jack & Cheddar is the best for this). Pour half your can (you warm it up first, of course) of Chef Boyardee ravioli on, then cover that in shredded cheese. Top with some more speghattini, and cover that with shredded cheese. Then put the rest of your Chef Boyardee on and cover that with shredded cheese. Pour yourself a nice big glass of apple juice and enjoy with your meal.

Overkill, probably. Delicious, fucking eh! Naturally, the reception wasn't all that friendly, and involved a lot of ridicule and humiliation. Honestly, I am happy I shared it with them, because now when they think of disgusting foods, they'll think of me and how cool it must be to be able to enjoy something as amazing as that.

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Good Lord, Rush is fantastic.